And Jim Mahfood’s a bad ass.

Pop Gun War is an amazingly well done comic. I highly recomend it to any and everyone.

Upper Pond Visit

PIMPSKINS WIN! After leading 6-3 at the end of the first half, the Pimpskins only needed to keep the Commonwealth Commies offense on even keel to secure the win and they did just that, destroying the red scare 10-6 at Switchblade Stadium. Capitalizing on five turnovers, the Pimpskins retook the Bong Water Bowl Championship while taking a 3-2 lead in the series and remaining undefeated at home. Damn straight.

Are You Gay?

Jason Is Wonderful

Rev. Gerald’s House of Smiting

The Pants Adjective Archive

Delinking someone because of their political beliefs? That’s bullshit. So much for open conversation, debate and discussion. “I don’t agree with you so I refuse to link to you.” Christ on a hot dog bun, grow up, folks.

Look, if you don’t like someone’s political views, discuss and debate them, hell, use your blog to do it. Consider it free content. But don’t delink them just because you think they’re wrong. How do you expect people to make EDUCATED decisions if they don’t have access to all sides of an issue? Or is it simply that you don’t want them to have all sides?

Mr. Reynolds at Instapundit brought this to my attention, though I’d heard of it happening before. I just chose now to bitch.

Gobble gobble.

Whore Presents? No, wait, WhoRepresents. Ahhhhh….

Neighbors Are Seeing Red Over Blue Movies

As the leafy glen turns golden and bronze and lengthening autumn shadows fall over leftover Halloween pumpkins, the new legend of Sleepy Hollow is being written in Tarzana.

Washington Irving isn’t penning this tale — even though his famed 182-year-old description of the “bevy of buxom lasses” and the “strange sights” that hold “a spell over the minds of the good people” living in a secluded “lap of land among high hills, which is one of the quietest places in the whole world,” isn’t far off the mark.

For more than three months, tiny Sleepy Hollow Lane in one of Los Angeles’ most tranquil residential neighborhoods has been turned into an impromptu stage for adult filmmaking.

When hiring Santas, malls make a list, check it twice

Each year about this time, Gene Schuldt is maybe the most popular man on the planet.

At least, he looks just like him.

The bearded, white-haired and portly 51-year-old Wauwatosa resident holds court - in a red suit and assisted by a number of Santa’s helpers - at Brookfield Square mall for thousands of area children. He listens attentively to each one’s Christmas wish.

With Schuldt’s gentle voice, smiling face and naturally snow-white hair - “It’s something that happens to the men in my family when they hit 40,” he says - there’s no reason for any child to doubt he or she is sitting in the lap of the jolly old elf himself.

It’s a trust that Schuldt and an increasing number of shopping mall Santa Clauses earn every year by undergoing a criminal background check.

Well, let’s look at it this way. Playing Santa has got to be a shit job that pays pretty well, and if you’re having trouble securing a job or steady employment because lack of long term work skills from being incarcerated, the Santa gig looks pretty good. Besides…

Pre-employ.com, a company that specializes in doing background checks on job applicants, found that about 70 of 1,000 shopping mall Santa and Santa helper applicants had committed misdemeanors or felonies in the last seven years that would be cause for dismissal.

Offenses included indecent exposure, harassment, assault, soliciting prostitution, battery, drunken driving and contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

That’s an alarming but still smaller percentage than the job market at large, where 10% of job applicants have criminal records, Pre-employ says.

Alarming? Your kid’s more likely to run into a criminal crossing the street! Or when the son of a bitch comes and snatches their ass in a store because you left them in the kids section as a freakin’ babysitter, you inept morons! Sigh.

Everyone’s flipping about criminal Santa’s, criminals here, criminals there, but most parents still let their kids run around the neighborhood unsupervised or leave them alone in a store for HOURS. And then they’re shocked when something bad happens. It sucks that we can’t trust the world anymore, folks, but that’s the way it is and if you don’t start keeping an eye on things yourself, you’re in for a world of hurt.

FEC Allows Candidates To Draw Pay For Running

The Federal Election Commission voted yesterday to allow challengers in congressional races to pay themselves a salary from their campaign funds, a move designed to enable more people with modest incomes to run for the House and Senate.

Republicans and Democrats described the 5 to 1 vote, which overturned past rulings, as a way to level the political playing field for middle-class Americans wanting to run against a senator or representative, whose annual salaries next year will grow to $155,000.

Sounds good, but what’s the catch? I mean, it’s bipartisan support supposedly so Joe Blow can run, but, I don’t know. Or…

A salary could begin once a candidate files for office, and it would be limited to the lower of two numbers: the challenger’s salary in the previous year, or the salary of the office sought.

Do Senators and Represetatives get “Paid Vacations”? Sure, and it’s UNLIMITED PAID VACATIONS! Does that mean they double their money? I mean, if a Rep wins and immedeately files for reelection, for the two years they are in office they can be collecting campaign checks as well as their regular pay check. Unless I’m missing something here. Am I? Or does this suck as much as I think it does? Cause, in order for me to run, I have to take time off of work, so my ONLY income would be the campaign.

Methinks this is merely a way for folks to pocket more of that campaign cash.

Saddam Violates “Five Second Rule”

A tater tot, which had fallen to the kitchen floor of presidential palace #7, was “picked up, examined, and eaten” by Saddam Hussein, as reported by UN weapons inspectors on site. The United States responded swiftly by bombing Iraq’s Northern and Southern “No-Fly Zones”.

“We had explicit directions from President Bush to report all violations,” explained Hans Blix, Chief Weapons Inspector and non-CIA spy. “My team communicated the infraction to me, and I executed the protocol set forth in the latest latest latest revision of the latest UN Iraqi Resolution”.

In what has already been dubbed “The Tot Heard Round The World”, writers at Fox News were said to have “ejaculated” while contriving the clever joke in a group brainstorm.

Warning signs that your child is Masturbating!

1. Does your teenager have acne? Masturbation often leads to excessive hormone production, which is the cause of acne. Very few teenagers who don’t Masturbate have acne.

2. Is your teenager depressed? If a teenager acts sullen, withdrawn or unhappy the most likely cause is Chronic Masturbation.

3. Does your child lock his or her bedroom door? It is not healthy for a teen to want privacy. Chances are he or she is in there Masturbating!

4. Does your child listen to “Rock And Roll” music? If a teenager has rebelled against God far enough to listen to the Devil’s music, then he or she has almost certainly rebelled enough to try Masturbation.

5. Are there semen stains on your son’s bed sheets or underwear? There’s only one way they could have gotten there! Line up all of your sons at least twice a day for a family Prayer Meeting and Underwear Check!

6. Does your teenager have Liberal political opinions? The weakness of mind brought on by Self-Abuse often leads to left-wing sympathies.

7. Does your child wear fashionable clothing or hairstyles? If your child can’t resist the peer pressure to look a certain way, he or she probably can’t resist the peer pressure to Masturbate, either.

8. Does your child look guilty or deny Masturbating? Very few teenagers will openly admit to Masturbating!

9. Have you caught your child Masturbating? If you walk into your son’s bedroom without knocking and he’s in there with his pants down holding his erect penis, he’s probably Masturbating.

Academy seizes computers from nearly 100 mids

Officials at the Naval Academy have seized nearly 100 midshipmen’s computers that allegedly contained illegally downloaded music and movies, sources said.

The raid occurred Thursday while students were in class, and a source familiar with the investigation said the computers were being held by the administration.

Cmdr. Bill Spann, academy spokesman, confirmed that an investigation into what material is on the computers is under way, but declined further comment.

He did say punishment for illegally possessing copyrighted material ranges from a court-martial to loss of leave and other restrictions.

Lock up your liquor cabinets. Bush twins turn 21 today.

Nick Nolte’s LiveJournal

The signs have ears

In the Steven Spielberg film “Minority Report,” futuristic billboards recognize customers on sight and tailor their sales pitches to an individual’s shopping patterns.

As it turns out, the future is just around the corner for motorists in the Sacramento area.

Starting next month, two freeway billboards will be able to tell which radio stations passing cars are tuned to and then change the image on the sign to fit listeners’ profiles.

Weird. Good to have a CD player, I guess.

Mmmmmm….. tasty….. JLo goes diggin for gold!

Man burns penis with laptop And not just any penis, but HIS OWN!

The next day he noticed irritation and oedema of his penile prepuce. Furthermore, the ventral part of his scrotal skin had turned red, and there was a blister with a diameter of about 2 cm. These findings were verified when I saw the patient 1 day later. There were no signs of phimosis or balanitis. The patient recalled that, while sitting 2 days earlier with his computer on his lap, he occasionally had felt heat and a burning feeling on his lap and proximal thigh, a sensation that was relieved at least temporarily when the computer was moved slightly.

After the first 2 days, the penile and scrotal blisters broke and developed into infected wounds that caused extensive suppuration. More than a week later, the wounds were covered by dry crusts and thereafter were healing quite rapidly. No antibiotic treatment was needed.

The Onion deleted an article? Well, I can’t blame them. Soem folks would have kept Those Chechen Rebels Stole My Idea around, but making light of terrorist attacks probably got them in a bit of trouble with the public, and, hell, maybe the Feds, given the way the gov’t is. Too bad, funny as hell. You just have to have a sense of humor, folks.

Powerful Analysis of Your Name

JASON

Literal meaning

“A powerful gypsy curse.”

History

Killing three and withering all crops for a mile when first read out from a newly discovered sliver of parchment in a rush, the name Jason was originally used charmingly to refer to the dead, before seeking its fortune on the sea.

Famous Jasons

1. Jason Dindymene, exposed in the press as having swapped a child for the world’s sturdiest box;

2. Jason Millington, opponent of paroxysms of fright;

3. Jason V C Tinkermouse-Nootlooter, of the generation which fondly remembers the constellation of Pleiades; first holder of the office of Chancellor of the Eggs Checker;

4. I Am Jason Jesus-Quoits, BSc, who owes everything to demanding money with menaces; first holder of the fairly secret office of Her Majesty’s Punchbag;

5. Jason Endeavour, disgusted by the world’s seventh highest-rated episode of Mr Pastry; ghost-writer of Jerry Desmonde’s agonisingly graphic autobiography, IS THAT ME? NO, THIS IS ME;

6. Jason Sprokes, MA, MA, first victim of the world’s most attractive bucket;

7. Jason Orbiting, MSc, RN, who lost a fortune on the lost consonant of Atlatis;

8. Jason Happenstance (”The Nervous”), haunted by an image of the self-aware vacuum cleaner;

9. Jason du Frewsy-Toot, who discovered a nice cup of tea;

10. Jason de Proms (”The Suspicious”), co-habitee of twenty-seven people associated with the nightmare cupboard; ghost-writer of George Sanders’s heavily censored autobiography, CHRIST, MY LIFE’S DEPRESSING; first holder of the tiresomely abstract office of Royal Gadget-Smasher.

Typical Jason motto

“Ducks come from duck’s eggs, as do drakes, though I suppose technically both are ducklings at that point.”

VILE LIGHT!!!!!! HSSSSS!!!!!

Get these links and more at the always great Reenhead.