Born on a stormy Wednesday in the wilds of Fort Benning, Georgia, Jason Samuel Kenney stormed into this world full of spit and vinegar, punching the doctor that dared slap him on the ass. By the age of four he has already read “War and Peace” and found it trite. By six he had composed his tenth concerto using only a Yamaha keytar with dead batteries and a recorder flute. He then burned it like the first nine, his genius known only to himself and a stuffed panda named “Pandy”. At the age of ten, Jason assisted in the tearing down of the Berlin Wall using his teeth, losing his last baby tooth in the process. The tooth was presented as a gift to President George Bush and is currently on display in the Bush Presidential Library next to a picture of Jason punching Castro in the face. The cigar Castro was smoking at the time has never been found. On his fifteenth birthday he found the solution to world peace but forgot it because Hulk Hogan was using a move Jason taught him to beat Brett Hart on WCW that night so his priorities were a little messed up and peace was put on the back burner. The sixth super model to propose to Jason did so during his twentieth year and he made her cry by saying he wasn’t interested. Alcohol had its first hangover the day after Jason’s twenty-first birthday. “Jason Addiction” was diagnosed as a psychological condition late in Jason’s twenty-fifth year. There is no known cure. Working on information provided by NASA and the Department of Defense, President George W. Bush personally asked for Jason’s assistance in 2005 in resisting an alien plot to invade Earth in search of its Twinkie supply. Jason single handedly dispatched of said plot so effectively that no one noticed it except Wolf Blitzer, who was so enamored with Jason that he dared not report on it. Blitzer would cry after Jason turned down his proposal in late 2006. In 2008 VCU granted Jason a degree in history not for his knowledge of it but because of his place in it. On Feb 14, 2010, the Chinese rang in their new year using a new astrological calendar, this year hailed as “The Year Of The Jason”. He has a cat named Pantera.
Slightly More Seriously:
He has three brothers, five nephews, four nieces, a step sister, a half sister and a cat. He is not in any way involved with the Canadian government.
#hashbrownnetworking is his fault.
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Jason’s wallet is brown.
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