How’s your inbox looking this morning? Probably a bit better than yesterday’s campaign convulsion of emails because of some arbitrary internal end of month goal that would be the difference between victory and becoming the next Nazi Germany or Soviet Russia (depending on the campaign). We all hear about the “WE NEED 192 MORE DONORS BY MIDNIGHT!” problem (boy, do we hear it) — but what happens when they miss that goal? Where are the morning after emails? Don’t worry, dear reader, Uncle Jay’s got you covered.


Have you ever typed with your nose? I tried this morning. It’s not very easy.

You see, FNAME, we missed our goal yesterday of 135 more donors before our midnight deadline. And you may not know this about the Senator but he’s a mean drunk.

FNAME, he broke my left hand. And I’m a southpaw.

So we’re getting a head start on May’s goal of 300 new donors by the end of the month. Can I count on you to save my right hand?

Nose typing, FNAME. It’s as degrading as it sounds.

Give before our May 30th deadline and your gift will be QUADRUPLE MATCHED and oh god please help me.

Thank you and excelsior!

Finance Director
Candidate for Senate

PS – Sweet Jesus, he’s awake and still drunk, please help today!

Campaigns, if you’d like to use this copy, I want 5% of the cut.